Rethinking Resilience in Grief
As a health & wellness coach and grief specialist, I'm always looking for stories and research that shift the way we see resilience, grief, and healing. And lately, I’ve been loving episodes of The Hidden Brain Podcast. The episode titled “The Trauma Script” with psychologist George Bonanno challenged many of the assumptions we carry about what trauma looks like, how long grief lasts, and what it means to recover.
One of the key takeaways was: resilience is far more common than we might believe.
Rather than a linear “stages of grief” model, Bonanno’s research identifies multiple trajectories people follow after trauma—some recover quickly, some have delayed distress, some struggle chronically, but many rebound more swiftly than public narratives suggest.
What stood out to me was the idea of the “resilience blind spot”—how, when we’re deep in pain or loss, it’s hard to believe we’ll ever feel okay again. But the fact is, many do. The sense of inevitable suffering can get baked into stories about trauma, so people who seem to do well are sometimes met with doubt or misunderstanding.
What does this mean for how I do my work and what I hope for my clients?
First, I want to hold space for the full range of grief responses without forcing any one form of grief onto someone. If someone doesn’t follow the “expected” script, that doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong—it means they’re human, unique, and adapting.
Second, cultivating positive emotions—even small ones—isn’t about “getting over” loss but about integrating grief into life in ways that allow us to grow around it or find meaning in it. Laughing, finding joy, engaging in connection—they don’t betray our loss; they co-exist with it.
Client Takeaways & Actionable Tips
Notice your unique path
Healing doesn’t follow a set script. Pay attention to how you are responding, not how you think you “should” be responding.Name moments of resilience
Even small signs—like being able to laugh, connect, or get through a difficult day—are indicators of resilience. Write them down or share them with someone you trust.Allow joy to coexist with grief
Let yourself engage in activities that bring comfort or lightness. These are not betrayals of loss—they are part of the healing process.Seek flexible support
Whether through friends, community, or coaching, look for people who can honor the full spectrum of your experience without judgment.Stay open to growth
Pain changes us, but it doesn’t have to define us. Ask yourself: What new meaning or strength might be emerging from this experience?
Trauma doesn’t have one script. Grief isn’t a checklist. And healing—real, meaningful healing—is not only about surviving, but about discovering beyond simply recovering. As a coach, I’m committed not just to helping people through pain, but helping them see their innate resilience—that is all too often hidden to themselves.
