How to Make a Difference, Part 1: When We Stop Believing We Can Make a Difference

What happens when repeated setbacks teach us that our actions don't matter?

I have been following the work of psychologist Martin Seligman since I was introduced to it during my coaching program, and I continue to find his ideas remarkably relevant to the work I do as an integrative health and wellness coach. Recently, I listened to a two-part Hidden Brain conversation with Seligman called How to Make a Difference. The first episode explores learned helplessness, optimism, and the stories we tell ourselves about adversity. The second turns toward agency: how we can strengthen our belief that our actions matter and begin to see possibilities where we once saw only limitations.

I found myself thinking about both episodes long after I finished listening.

There is something important here for anyone who has ever felt stuck.

Sometimes we don't stop moving forward because we are lazy, unmotivated, or incapable. Sometimes we stop because, somewhere along the way, we learned that trying doesn't make much difference.

When trying no longer feels worthwhile

Seligman's early research on learned helplessness explored what happens when people or animals repeatedly experience situations in which they have no control over what happens. Over time, they may learn that their actions don't matter. Even when circumstances later change and an opportunity to act becomes available, they may not recognize—or believe in—their ability to influence the outcome.

That idea has stayed with me because I see versions of it in everyday life.

Perhaps you've tried repeatedly to change a behavior and haven't been successful, or you've applied for several jobs and been rejected. Maybe you've been in a difficult relationship for so long that you no longer believe anything you say will matter. Maybe you've lived with a chronic health challenge and become exhausted by trying one thing after another. Or maybe you've experienced loss, disappointment, or a major life transition that changed your sense of what was possible. Over time, it can become very easy to move from “This hasn't worked” to “Nothing will work.” And those are very different statements.

The stories we tell ourselves matter

One of the most compelling aspects of Seligman's work is his exploration of explanatory style—the habitual ways we explain difficult events to ourselves. When something goes wrong, we don't simply experience the event. We interpret it. We may tell ourselves:

This is temporary. Or: This is never going to change.

We may think: This is one difficult situation. Or: Everything in my life is falling apart.

We may think: I made a mistake. Or: There is something fundamentally wrong with me.

These interpretations matter because they influence what we do next. A setback that feels temporary and specific leaves room for another attempt. A setback that feels permanent, pervasive, and personal can make trying again seem pointless. The event may be the same. The meaning we assign to it can be very different.

Optimism isn't pretending everything will be fine

When I talk about optimism in coaching, I don't mean telling ourselves that everything will work out exactly the way we want. Life doesn't work that way. Some things don't work out. Some losses cannot be undone. Some circumstances are genuinely difficult and outside our control.

A more grounded form of optimism asks a different question: What is still possible?

That question creates space. It allows us to acknowledge what is hard without assuming that the difficulty defines the entire future. It allows us to say, This is painful without automatically concluding, This will always be painful. It allows us to say, This didn't work without deciding, Nothing will work.

Agency begins with believing that our actions can matter

Seligman describes agency as the opposite of learned helplessness. In the first episode, he identifies three components: efficacy, optimism, and imagination. Efficacy is the belief that I can accomplish something specific here and now. Optimism is the belief that I can accomplish something in the future. And imagination is the ability to envision a range of possibilities for what that future might look like.

I love the inclusion of imagination.

When we feel stuck, our world can become very small. We see only the options immediately in front of us, and if those options don't work, it can feel as though there are no options at all. Sometimes what we need isn't an immediate solution. Sometimes we need the ability to imagine that another solution might exist.

Where does coaching come in?

This is one of the reasons I value coaching so much. Coaching isn't about telling someone what to do. It is about creating space to become more aware of the stories, assumptions, beliefs, and patterns that may be shaping the choices we make. Sometimes a client knows exactly what they want but doesn't believe they can get there. Sometimes they have more choices than they realize. Sometimes the real work is separating what they can influence from what they cannot. And sometimes the most important question is simply: What would become possible if you stopped assuming that nothing could change? That doesn't mean that change is easy. It doesn't mean that we control everything. It simply means that we become curious about where our influence still exists.

A different question

Perhaps the most useful takeaway for me from Part 1 of this conversation is that feeling powerless and actually being powerless are not always the same thing. Sometimes our circumstances truly limit our choices. And recognizing those limits is important. But sometimes we have stopped looking for the choices that remain. 

So I invite you to notice the stories you tell yourself when something doesn't go the way you hoped. Do you tend to see setbacks as permanent? Do they quickly become evidence that everything is going wrong? Do you make them about who you are rather than what happened? And what might change if you became a little more curious about those interpretations?

We don't always get to choose what happens to us. But perhaps we have more influence over what we do next than we sometimes believe. And that brings us to the second part of this conversation: If agency can be diminished, can it also be strengthened? Seligman's answer is yes.

And that is where I believe the conversation gets particularly interesting. Stay tuned for next week’s message How to Make a Difference, Part 2: Learning to Believe That What We Do Matters

Source Acknowledgment: This blog was inspired by psychologist Martin Seligman’s research on learned helplessness, optimism, and human agency, as discussed in the two-part Hidden Brain podcast series, How to Make a Difference. The reflections and coaching applications presented here are my own.