Grief Can Be Bigger Than We Think: A Conversation on Surfing the Quicksand
When most people hear the word grief, they immediately think of death.
But over the years, both through my own life experiences and my work as an integrative health and wellness coach, I have come to understand that grief applies to so much more than bereavement.
Grief may accompany any meaningful loss or significant life transition. It can emerge during caregiving, after a medical diagnosis, through divorce or estrangement, infertility, retirement, changing identities, unrealized dreams, or even joyful milestones that require letting go of what once was.
Grief is woven into the human experience because love, change, and loss are woven into life itself.
I recently had the privilege of joining Kathy Vines on her wonderful podcast, Surfing the Quicksand, to explore these often-overlooked dimensions of grief.
It was an honest and heartfelt conversation that blended my professional work with the personal experiences that have shaped who I am today—including caring for both of my parents through serious illness, navigating profound personal losses, and supporting one of my children through a life-altering medical condition.
These experiences have taught me that grief is not something we "get over." Rather, it is something we learn to carry, integrate, and ultimately allow to deepen our capacity for compassion, resilience, and connection.
During our conversation, we explored several forms of grief that many people experience but rarely have words for.
We discussed anticipatory grief—the grief that begins before a loss actually occurs, such as when caring for someone with a progressive illness or facing a difficult diagnosis. We talked about ambiguous loss, a concept developed by Pauline Boss, which describes losses that lack clear resolution, such as caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's disease, or living with relationships that remain emotionally unresolved. We also explored disenfranchised grief, the kind of grief that society often minimizes or fails to recognize altogether, leaving people to mourn in isolation.
One of the most important messages I hope listeners take away is that grief has no universal timeline.
There is no finish line. There is no "right" way to grieve. And perhaps most importantly, there is no need to rush toward closure. Our culture often encourages us to move on quickly, but healing is rarely linear. Grief changes over time, just as we do.
As a physician and health and wellness coach, I also see how deeply grief affects the whole person. It isn't simply an emotional experience. Grief influences our nervous system, sleep, concentration, immune function, relationships, sense of purpose, and physical health. When we recognize grief as a whole-person experience, we can begin responding with greater compassion rather than judgment.
Another topic that feels especially important in grief is the importance of community.
One of the greatest privileges of my work is facilitating grief circles where people can simply be witnessed in their experience. Again and again, I see healing begin not because someone offers the perfect advice, but because another human being sits beside them with compassion and says, "You're not alone."
We don't need to fix grief.
We need spaces where grief can be acknowledged, expressed, and honored.
We also talked about something that often surprises people: grief and gratitude can coexist. It is possible to deeply miss someone while also feeling profound gratitude for having loved them. It is possible to experience sorrow and joy in the same moment. Holding both is not contradictory—it is one of the beautiful complexities of being human.
Whether you are grieving the death of someone you love, navigating caregiving, facing a major life transition, supporting a friend, or simply wanting to better understand grief before it inevitably touches your life, I hope this conversation offers validation, compassion, and hope.
Grief is not a problem to solve.
It is a human experience to be witnessed.
I am deeply grateful to Kathy Vines for creating a space where these conversations can happen with honesty and compassion. My hope is that by talking more openly about grief in all its forms, we can reduce isolation, increase understanding, and remind one another that none of us has to navigate life's losses alone.
If this conversation resonates with you, I invite you to listen to the episode, share it with someone who may need it, and continue the conversation. Together, we can create a culture that makes more room for grief, healing, and connection.
The full episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/pWc2k_u5Slc
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5SdyOIZlTqZEVjBpY7zBgN?si=45o_C7rmTf2L-nCNF-e9sg
On Kathy Vine’s website: https://www.quicksandpod.com/ep140/
